When You Feel Ridiculous
So apparently bedtime is when I like to have breakdowns. Probably because that’s when I can’t distract myself with other activities, thus my emotions come blazing to the front. Delightful. One minute I’m chatting with my husband and folding myself between sheets… And then I’m crying about how, deep down, I’m so tired of it being so hard.
I wrote my first manuscript five years ago–and was pretty sure I’d be published later that year. Well, lots of words later, and I’m still unpublished. The most recent rejection came in June, after my dream agent ultimately passed on my manuscript. Blah. Can I just say that rejection SUCKS? Because it does.
My insides felt shredded. I called Heather Lou and told her how I really thought this manuscript, this time… I felt so stupid. And so ridiculous for even trying. It’s one thing to go after something farfetched when you’re a child, but what about now? I know better. I know the odds, and I’ve personally slammed into the walls blocking me from my goal.
I’ve talked to God about this. And He keeps bringing me to the verse about how, apart from Him, I can do nothing (John 15:5). Which I can vexing. See, I’ve spent so much of life relying on myself, it’s super difficult to surrender. But I’d like to change.
So I asked God to show me the next right step, and I believe that He has. He even gave me some unprompted encouragement last night that confirmed He cares about my book. He’s got it. Which is rather huge. I should probably remind myself of this fact a lot.
So here’s my question for you, dear reader–have you felt ridiculous recently because of a far-fetched goal? What was your next step?