the calling

I push into myself, trying to see what I’m made of.  IMG_0246I’ve been asking you over and over, how am I threaded?

Have I misunderstood?  The dreams you threaded into me felt weighted, like promises do.  I chased after them, just like You wanted.  So why are they impossible?  I’ve stuttered through a thousand false starts now.  I’m sitting on a pile of years and my shame is more than I can face.

I made the decision to lock up my work inside myself.  I had too, until I could find a solution.  But it burns hot.  I can’t stop pacing. I’ve promised you too many times that I would get it right.

You Great Creator wove me. Did you forget I would be earth-bound and broken?  You never should have never threaded pieces of Yourself inside me.  These immortal threads are all wrong.  It’s for Your own good that I told you to leave.

Why haven’t You stopped calling my name?

“I’ve singled you out, called you by name, and given you this privileged work.

And you don’t even know me!

I am God, the only God there is…

I’m the one who armed you for this work, though you don’t even know me…

I form light and create darkness…

Are you telling me what I can or cannot do?”

(Isaiah 45 MSG)

You’re still my dear one… just as you’ve always been.  Surrender your worth, your snarled mistakes, your untold future. I won’t leave you lost. There are things I want you to do.  Big things.  I’ll never promise it will be uncomplicated or neat.   But it will be you and Me.   

Even in my worst moments, You’ve never not wanted me.  And there’s not a single word in Your ancient pages that demands perfection from us, the-created-ones.

Dedicated to Jenna.

Thank you for clearing away the fog.


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4 thoughts on “the calling

  1. AH!!!!!!!!! Heather Lou, this MOVED me. I’m still breathing and blinking it all in. So lovely. So raw and honest. Thank you for sharing this prayer.

  2. Heather Ostalkiewicz on said:

    Thank you! You’ve been such a huge part of this blog and my writing. God’s used you in big ways in my life:)

  3. Id say great post but i am your husband and that is expected. How about AWESOME post! Love you Heather!

  4. Heather Ostalkiewicz on said:

    Thank you for all your support babe:) I love you!

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