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LOVE doesn’t disappear

Love is a vast topic. It’s as epic as the Great One himself. My dad asked me if I would be writing another post on love, and I told him I wasn’t sure I had any more to write. But, God wasn’t done…

I woke up tired. It was a mental/emotional tiredness that started last night. I thought I needed to hide out for twenty-four hours (or more) to get myself back on my feet. But I had a list of things that needed doing. I knew I should spend time with God to reorient my compass. But it’s the last thing I wanted to do. In fact, I had an inkling, scratching at the base of my brain, that God was disgusted with me.

I managed to wrestle myself into a chair with a devotional book. I picked a book I knew would tell me how much God loved me. It was the safest bet. If God didn’t want anything to do with me, at least I could make myself feel as if He still wanted me. I started reading…

“Even if you’ve fallen, even if you’ve failed, even if everyone else has rejected you, Christ will not turn away from you. He came first and foremost to those who have no hope. He goes to those no one else would go to and says, “I’ll give you eternity.””

I’m human. I woke up tired. But intrinsically I felt worthless as the fatigue set in. I hated myself for it and believed God was upset with me too. I play this game, if only I had—scheduled better, worked harder, eaten healthier, exercised—then I wouldn’t be here, feeling overwhelmed and in need. But the devotional by Max Lucado went on, “Only you can surrender your concerns to the Father. No one else can take those away and give them to God. Only you can cast all your anxieties on the one who cares for you.”

Suddenly I knew I had to reach out. My fears and anxieties seem so small and human I thought God would want nothing to do with them. But they had broken me down fully. What if I broke the silence I’d cemented myself into? I’m disgusted with me, I told God. I’ve worked so hard and I’m not done, but I’m too tired to go on. I wanted to do something for You, but here I am, tired and needing Your help. I feel lost without You, but I’ve done nothing to deserve You.

Love doesn’t disappear on the bad days, He said.

Maybe that’s true, but I don’t love other people or myself like that. I don’t tolerate bad days. So I certainly don’t deserve this love.

How will you learn to love if I don’t love you well? I don’t subtract love for each of your faults. 

His words sliced straight through me, cutting deep into the knotted roots of my lies. Those lies have kept so much of my heart deadened for years, but His words are bringing me back to life. Today I’m another step closer to becoming who He created me to be. There’s so much glorious freedom in coming alive. The more He heals me the more I want to be in the business of taking His Love to a dying world.

What’s something God has said or done for you that’s changed how you think or act?

 

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Speak

heather“Who are you?” he said, scarcely above a whisper.

“One who has waited long for you to speak,” said the Thing.  Its voice was not loud, but very large and deep.

The Horse and His Boy by C.S. Lewis

I waited for God’s call.  His call, as I pictured it would be unmistakable.  Most likely involving some person reading a snippet of my work and proclaiming in awe that clearly I should be a writer.  And then, bent over my laptop and pages the words would come quick and inspired because, as I knew it, God had called me.

I waited for the signs.  I wanted that dream to come true.  And as I waited I cried and I wrestled with my life.  I felt disconnected, rubbed raw with a frustration I couldn’t name.  All the while I continued my ‘devotion’ to God and waited for him to say go.

He was silent.

Many things have shaken up my world.  The last ten years have been hard and just when I think I can’t take any more something worse has popped up.  I don’t say this for pity, I say it because it’s true.  And these trials have been a peculiar but very real kind of Grace.  The pain has pushed me.  Pressed me into a corner until I was forced to make a decision.

I decided to speak.  I have been more honest with God than any single human being.  I have told him my deepest darkest.  I have shown him my untouched ugliness.  I have asked him questions I didn’t believe even had answers.  And I did my best to let go of all my preconceived ideas.

He spoke.  And has continued speaking to me.  And it is out of this exchange that my calling became clearer.  Yes he wants me to write.  And no, it’s not how I imagined it to be.  But he has not left me alone to do the impossible work.  In fact he is wholly invested in helping me navigate the everyday of my calling.  It’s the daily stuff that I have a hard time making it through while keeping my calling in tact.

What is the last thing you’ve said to God?  Is he strong enough to handle your hardest question?  Even if that question is whether he exists?  Has your calling gotten lost in your silence?

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